


Confusion and Cheesy Pickup Lines

by DevilsDontFly666



Category: The LEGO Batman Movie (2017)
Genre: Alfred Trying to Explain but Batman is Oblivious, Batman Being Confused, Flirty joker, Fluff, Joker Being the Confident Gay he is, M/M, Passengers Movie spoiler if you Squint, Robin is Totally into the ship, about feelings, so is Harley
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-16
Updated: 2017-03-17
Packaged: 2018-10-05 21:49:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10317707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DevilsDontFly666/pseuds/DevilsDontFly666
Summary: Joker knowing he is absolutely gay and trying to woo Batman, Batman being super oblivious to anything romantic and floundering in his confusion, Robin totally shipping the two of them, and Alfred being so done with Batman.





	1. Plans and Confessions

After saving Gotham City, Joker felt as though he didn't really need any adventure or crime for a while, as he was absolutely exhausted. He wanted to be at his best when fighting Bats, so he decided to take a small leave, since he couldn't remember the last time he had had any sort of vacation. Although, that didn't stop him from doing anything productive.  
"Look Girl-Buddy!" Joker yelled with glee. "My nemesis is on TV again!" Joker was bouncing in his worn armchair, the springs squeaking.  
"You mean Batman, sugar?" Harley called from the kitchen. Joker just made excited screeching noises, so she assumed that was a yes. She rolled in, and leaned against the armchair, and watched Joker, with his wide eyes and fist in his mouth. The television was on a news channel, and Batman stood beside the reporter, his posture straight and scary, as per usual.  
"So," the reporter started. "We know you have not been as busy as usual, since crime has dialed down since the Phantom Zone incident. What do you plan on doing in your spare time?" she pressed the mic closer to his mask, and Joker swore he could see his brow furrow in annoyance.  
"Mainly cool stuff. I'll probably work on my abs, and maybe train Robin how to diffuse live bombs, the usual." Joker sighed.  
"Isn't he just the best, Harls? And so handsome on TV." he sighed again, and Harley scowled. They had recently discussed Joker's 'crush' on the city's Dark Knight, but of course Joker had wanted to come with a plan to 'woo' him, since Batman seemed to be the only person who could make him the slightest bit nervous. Though, Harley knew it would be good for him in the long run, as even though the Joker was a genius, he couldn't be alone for too long. And, based on her analysis, Batman had a crush on the Joker too, whether he knew it or not was debatable.  
"So, we have noticed that the Joker hasn't been doing his usual amount of schemes or crimes? What do you make of this?" For a second, Batman looked at a loss for words, but quickly regained his composure.  
"He probably is just working on some big, super-evil master plan. He always does have the trickiest plans, and he's probably just scheming extra-hard at the moment." Joker squealed.  
"Did you hear that Girl-Buddy?! He said I have the trickiest plans!" Joker was basically a ball of excitement, his hair sticking in all directions as he smiled ear-to-ear. Harley smiled.  
"I did hun. Are you going to go compliment him too?" Joker put on a focused expression, and a wicked smile appeared.  
"You know what? I have the best idea! and, it's not at all destructive, and is charming!" he ran off the arm-chair, scrambling towards his wardrobe-room, filled with every piece of clothing he owned, which was a lot. Harley smiled, glad that Joker could push his creative juices into something else besides crime. Though she just had to wonder what he was thinking...  
-BATMAN'S P.O.V-

Batman pulled on his robe, pulling off his mask, and watching as his hair poofed up, it's curly mess falling over his eyes. Sighing, he stared at himself in the mirror, not knowing what to think about current emotions that had been exploding in his mind lately. Lately, the Joker had, in a way, seem much less villain-y than usual, and more, dare he say, adorable. Just the thought of the word made him groan aloud. Something about that taunting smile and giggle was making his insides twist, and he didn't know what to make of it. Tying the robe tighter around himself, he headed out of his room, preparing to face the most menacing person he had ever known, Alfred Pennyworth.  
Tiptoeing down the stairs, he nearly tripped when he heard his name called out from the darkness.  
"Master Bruce." Holding in a squeak, Batman scowled at him.  
"Alfred, what have I told you about sneaking up on me? You know I'm always ready except in the morning." Alfred looked at him, and rolled his eyes.  
"Sorry, Master Bruce. It was just, you're looking a little confused and wound up. Would you like to talk about it?" Alfred knew that even though he wouldn't talk about it, it was important to as-  
"Yes please." Alfred stared at Batman, his face contorted with shock. When did Batman ever share his feelings? It must be serious. Batman twiddled his thumbs, his eyes darting between Alfred and the ceiling. Sharing feelings was awkward and horrible, and even though he knew Alfred would never judge him, in the serious sense, it still scared him to death to even say aloud what he was actually feeling.  
"I, um have been feeling some weird stuff, about," the name was stuck in his throat. Alfred nodded reassuringly, so he took a deep breath. "Some weird feelings about Joker, I guess. I don't know, he just doesn't seem menacing, just more, cute, in a sense? And, he makes me feel weird, like there's cement inside my stomach or something. I really don't know what's going on." Alfred had a wide grin across his face, and Batman was terrified.  
"What are you smiling about?" Alfred let out a chuckle.  
"It seems, Master Bruce, that you are in love with the Joker." The room seemed to spin, as Batman took that in. It made sense, and in a way, he didn't want to deny it, but being in love with the Clown Prince of Crime wouldn't be good. So, without breaking character, he started to throw his usual tantrum.  
"Nope, nope, nopety nope! You're wrong, that's not what's happening, nope!" and just as he was about to storm out of the room, the doorbell rang throughout the house, and he ran to grab the door.  
Pulling open the door, his face heated up with what he saw. He had to bite his lip to ensure he wouldn't start screaming and running away. There was the Joker, standing in an elegant green suit, with purple buttons and tie, and black slacks hugged each curve of his leg, yet still managing to look casual. His makeup looked slightly less messy, but just smudged enough to give it that Joker charm. His hair was messy, but looked so very soft, and Batman clenched his fists in order not to run his hands through it. With a sharp-toothed grin, Joker held out a deep blue rose, with yellow staining the edges, and held it out to Batman.  
"So, how's it goin', Batsy?" Joker had accidentally knocked Batman's cowl in a fight, so he knew Bruce Wayne was Batman, though he would never tell another soul. "May I come in?" Batman nervously picked at his fingernails, and nodded. Joker hopped inside, his smile stretching from ear to ear.  
"You know, your mansion just looks more grand each time I come here." turning, he looked at Batman. "Here Bats, got you a rose. Isn't it great? I stole it from a nearby flower shop, very posh." Batman gingerly took it, looking at it from every angle.  
"Does it explode?"  
"No."  
"Spew acid?"  
"No."  
"Combust into flames?"  
"Nope! Just a regular rose for my Batsy!" Batman blushed how he had said 'my,' but tried to keep the rosy tint on his cheeks under control.  
"So, Joker, why are you here?" the Joker stopped, and smiled, which sent his heart melting.  
"Just wanted to see you I guess. Besides me stealing the flower, I have been taking a teensy leave from crime. Nothing major, just, I thought I should take a break." Joker shrugged. "Plus, I wanted to see you." Batman almost sputtered.  
"Why would you want to see me, you know, you probably have better things to do than see me, don't you?" the Joker looked at Batman with surprise.  
"Don't you dare say anything of the sorts! I shall not hear the greatest crime fighter in the WHOLE UNIVERSE talk to himself in such a manner." Joker had yelled the 'whole universe' bit, and Batman felt that ever-reoccurring blush creeping up his neck. "Anyway, what do you want to do? I do have the whole day to do whatever you want." was that a wink? Batman didn't know, as his head was spinning. This was all to tempting, that cheeky grin, the wink, the way he now held his hand, and how he said whatever Batman wanted to do. Batman knew what he wanted to do, but Joker, Joker was complicated.  
"Come one! I know you must have a movie room in here somewhere!" and Joker dragged him along, giggling and towing a blushing Batman along.  
The plan was working perfectly.


	2. Robin and Alfred the Wingmen Duo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robin comes into the scene, and totally wants his padre and his nemesis to be his dads. Besides, Bruce Wayne can make room for Joker I'm sure.

Excerpt Thingy to Add Foreshadowing or Something...

"So, what do you think of my plan, Harls?" asked the Joker, carefully tying his purple tie, running his tongue along his teeth as he focused. Harley, on the other hand, was, as always, impressed by the sheer accomplishment of thinking of such a good plan in mere seconds, something the Joker was an expert at.  
"It's pretty good puddin, but I think there's a tiny problem." Joker looks up. "Those pick up lines are absolutely, well, horrible darlin." Harley said, a small sad smile on her face. Though, Joker didn't look phased.  
"I know! you know when a pun is so bad that it makes someone laugh? well, these pickup lines will be so cheesy they'll have to work!" Joker had his toothy grin on, and he ran his fingers through his hair, making it stick slightly to the left.  
"Darlin, I'm not sure that's the way it works."  
"Oh of course it is! I know Batsy, and he'll just pretend not to like them while he really does enjoy them. All I have to do is not capture Robin or older Batman and keep my destructive urges on the inside. What could go wrong?"  
************  
Batman stumbled behind the Joker, making sure his robe was covering himself. He couldn't help but smile at the Joker's infectious happiness, the way he was practically skipping down the wide halls of Wayne Manor, humming and giggling under his breath.  
"So, do you wanna watch a movie? I'm kinda in the mood for a romantic comedy, or something of the sorts..." Joker trailed off. Batman basically choked on his saliva, and shrugged.  
"I-I'm good with whatever." Batman cringed at the stutter that had made itself present. Joker smiled, tugging him along further.  
"Well that's good, wouldn't want you get nervous and make that absolutely adorable stutter present." Batman sputtered, as Joker cackled, stopping just as Robin, always showing up at the best times, appeared.  
"Hey Padre! What's the Joker doing here? He sure looks spiffy!" Batman smiled at his son's innocence, but also in the way he was completely comfortable around the Joker.  
"He just wanted to, hang out with us I guess. And maybe do some super cool stuff." he added onto the end, trying to keep up his super-cool dad pretense.  
"Well, that's good, how are you doing Mr. Joker?"  
"Just fine kiddo. I'm here to have some fun times with your dad here!" and winked slyly at Robin. All of a sudden, Robin started squealing and ran off in the direction Batman knew Alfred was. What was that boy up to?  
************  
"AAALLLLFFRRRREEEED!!!!!" Robin screeched, sprinting and sliding along the polished floors of Wayne Manor, until he stumbled across the butler.  
"What is it Master Dick?" Alfred looked worried for Robins health, as he was screeching and smiling, and perhaps shaking. It was quite terrifying actually.  
"Mr. Joker is here, and, and," he squealed again. "Mr. Joker is totally going to kiss BatDad. I swear it. It's real, it's happening!" and he screeched again running around Alfred.  
"I knew it. Come on Master Dick, we have some work to do." they ran off towards the Bat Cave, ready to unlock the super-secret just in case parental locks that could totally help Batman out. They were so ready to wing man this.  
************  
They had finally decided to watch Passengers, which Joker assured was super cool and spacey, but said it could be a bit gayer in his opinion, which of course made Batman spit out his mouthful of dill-flavored popcorn. Joker laughed until the movie came on, the lights dimmed, and stared intently at the screen. Honestly the movie looked pretty great, but the Joker, in Batman's opinion, looked way better. His green hair was slightly static-y from the back of the seat, and his eyebrows furrowed as he thoughtfully chewed his popcorn. The edges of his eyelashes brushed against his eyelids, that's how long and elegant they were. Eyes sparkling, he stared at the screen, a small toothy grin plastered across his face as the meteor hit the ship. The Joker's hands were shiny, due to the massive amount of butter that he had pumped onto his small bag of popcorn. Batman had his own bag, thoroughly covered in dill popcorn flavoring, the best of all popcorn flavors. Just as he was staring even more intently at the Joker, sudden music softly played from the speakers. A thousand years by Christina Perri, one of Batman's favorites, even if he would never admit it.  
"Wow, Batsy, so romantic." he drawled out, sighing and leaning over, resting his head gently on Batman's shoulder. "You know, this is a pretty great day, I couldn't ask for a better day, since you're here." A blush was already plastered across Batman's face, almost as red as the makeup smeared around the Clown Prince's lips.  
"Yeah, you know Joker," Batman gulped. "I'm r-really glad you're here too. Thanks, for being here." the Joker sat up, and smiled ear to ear, although something about this smile wasn't gleeful, maybe, more inviting?  
"You know what my shirt is made of?" Joker looked very, very serious, and Batman knew he had to get it right. But, he could see a bit of Joker's shirt peeking out from the suit, and it looked cotton-y.  
"Cotton?" suddenly the Joker quickly unbuttoned his suit, pulling it off his shoulders, which only caused the blush on Batman's face to increase tenfold. Once it was off, Batman practically squeaked. Their, in beautiful cursive, on top of a bright neon green shirt, were the words- "Boyfriend Material," with an arrow pointing at the Joker's face. For once, the Joker wasn't smiling, but looking at him quizzically. Batman's heart was racing, and he could barely breathe, as Joker leaned in, his breath the smell of buttery popcorn. The world seemed to stand still, as Joker suddenly smiled, and pressed their lips together.  
And there was Bruce Wayne, AKA Batman, Playboy of Gotham, having his first kiss.  
****************  
Alfred and Robin high-fived, watching from the movie room above, and then suddenly Alfred covered Robin's eyes as he saw the two men kiss.  
"I think we totally nailed it, right? that's why I can't look, because we did amazing?"  
"Yes Master dick, as you said, we 'totally nailed it.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe this fic has already got 20 kudos! Thanks for your support and lovely comments! Hope this Doritos and doctor pepper fueled chapter is good, and I think there will be one more chapter, maybe. we'll see.


	3. Inexperience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When batman does not know what he is even supposed to do, Joker is ready, and Robin and Alfred keep Wing-Manning, and yes that is a real term. Plus, I tried spacing the paragraphs like non_suspicious recommended. Thanks for the tip!

So, Batman had no freaking idea what he was doing.  


Sure he had kissed before, but, he never had really counted those as kissing. Kiss a lady on TV, kiss a girl to get her to leave him alone, it was all just, not real kissing. So, when the makeup smeared lips of the Joker pressed against his, he froze. The smile pressed against his lips made the blush on his cheeks spread to his neck, and he felt the Joker's arms snake around his waist pulling him closer. When Batman didn't really return the kiss, not because he didn't want to, but because he didn't know what he was doing, Joker pulled back and pouted.  
"What's up, Batsy? Wasn't good enough for you?"  
No, no, n-no, I j-just, don't know..." Batman trailed off, the blush on his face apparently constricting his speech. Joker smiled, and started laughing.  


"Okay, I see, you don't know what you're doing here." Joker teased. "That's alright, here, let me show you." Batman bit at his lip as the Joker cupped his cheek, his skin warm on his face. Pulling him close, he pushed their lips together again, the taste of movie popcorn butter making its way into his mouth. Again, one of the Joker's arms pulled him closer, so Batman put one hand against his back, and he grabbed the back of Joker's head, his fingers tangling into the whole mess of hair. Joker sighed against his lips, and then pulled away. Suddenly, a small whine escaped his lips, and Batman froze. Joker stared, and suddenly giggled.

"You are absolutely adorable Bats. Come on, that movie popcorn was good, but I am starving. Lets go get something to eat." Joker grabbed Batman's hand, and pulled him out of the room, the end of A Thousand years by Christina Perri fading away as they ran down the hall.

**********************  


Alfred and Robin were scurrying around, trying to set up the massive dinner table that nobody used because it was that ginormous. Alfred was cooking, and somehow Robin had gotten hold of a lighter, and was lighting candles for a 'super-duper romantic scene,' as he had put it. Just as Alfred was coming out of the kitchen, plates of chicken and vegetables balanced precariously on his arm, he heard Robin scream, and felt the small child crash into his side. The plates clattered to the floor, and suddenly he saw that the tablecloth was engulfed in flames.

"MASTER DICK!"  


"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I just wanted to light candles!" he sobbed, and Alfred, being the amazing butler he was, quickly grabbed a nearby fire extinguisher, (1 in every room) and put out the flames. He could hear Batman and Joker running down the hall towards them, and there was no time to grab a new table-cloth, or remake the meal. So, he quickly re-lit the candles, and ushered Robin into the kitchen, where the cake he had been baking had finished.

"Come one Master Dick, help me ice this cake. We're almost out of time." So, they got to work.  
************************  


Skipping down the hall, Batman felt the warmth in his hand, and couldn't keep the smile off of his face, which was a strange feeling to him. Usually, it was easy to remove a smile for a dramatic fight scene, or just to look intimidating, but right now, he couldn't help but smiling as he watched Joker skip and giggle down his own halls. Just as he saw the end of the hall, he felt Joker fall, and watched as he skidded across the floor.

"Ow, ow, ow," Joker grumbled as he started rolling up his pant leg. Batman watched helplessly, and then got to his senses and sat beside him. Once Joker had rolled up his pant leg, he saw a small scrape, and Joker pouted.

"It seems Batsy, that I've scraped my knee while falling for you." Joker paused, and suddenly Batman understood. And he laughed. Hard. Joker clapped while he looked at his face, and leaned near him. "You know, you should kiss it better. It actually does hurt." Suddenly, batman was nervous again, but slowly brought his lips down on the scrape, and made a dramatic kiss noise. Joker grabbed his neck, and started peppering his face with kisses.

"Thank you, thank you, oh it feels all better now!" and he sprung up, still holding Batman's hand, and pulled his nemesis' lipstick smeared face along into the dining area, which was quite a sight.

For one, the table and tablecloth was charred, a deep black, and they both saw the clumps of fire-extinguisher-puff still everywhere. Tall candles adorned with flickering flame sat in the middle of the table, and in the very center, was a cake. Even though it had only one layer, it was still beautiful. Half was a navy blue, adorned with little swirls of yellow. The other half was green, adorned with purple swirls. Joker saw Robin in the other room, AKA Bruce Wayne's son, holding his phone, which he could see Harley's contact on the screen. Thank the stars for Harls. Just because he had snuck Girl-Buddy's phone number in Robin's pocket in a past battle, didn't mean he knew if the sidekick would actually use it. Harley had definitely texted Robin with the cake design he had thought of, since it was sitting there.

They sat together on the only two chairs that were there, and they sliced up the cake. Joker insisted that Batman eat a piece of the Joker-themed side, and he wanted to eat a piece of Batman's side. When Batman bit into it, it was actually very sweet and fluffy. Delicious, even. He ate it all, and looked at Joker, and laughed again. His red lipstick had seemingly been replaced with blue, as that was the color that ringed his mouth. Pulling a little compact out of his pocket (of course Joker would carry one) he looked at his face, and giggled.

"Blue looks good an me, eh Batsy?" Joker giggled, and shoved the compact into Batman's hands. "But red looks even better on you!" Batman looked on his face, and blushed. His entire face, including his lips, were covered in red lipstick stains, all shaped like the Joker's smiling lips. Joker suddenly started talking again.

"you know, we would look good on a wedding cake." Batman sputtered, and looked at the cheeky villain beside him.  
"Did you jusr p-propose using a pickup line?"  


"Nah, I'll do that later. Not on our first date silly!" he smiled, and they both laughed. Even if it would be problematic for a villain and a her o to date, it sure was great in the moment.

*********************  


Harley was crouched behind the windowsill of the Wayne Manor's dining area, and texting Robin of how good job he had done. She peeked over again, and saw that the two of them were laughing together. It was so amazing to see Joker laughing with happiness, and not insanity. She hoped she would see more of it in the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we go! what did you think? I guess I wanted to start small for my first posted fic, I hope you enjoyed this self-indulgent BatJokes, since I did! :D

**Author's Note:**

> So, my first fanfic. (posted anyway) What do you think? I enjoy feedback, and comments are welcome.


End file.
